woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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