You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
