I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
