Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
