the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
