There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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