he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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