ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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