oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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