My liver just broke up with me...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
