Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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