I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
