oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
