Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
