So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
