I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
