i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Is Oprah even human
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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