Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I smell stomach acid.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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