Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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