Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
