Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
