It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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