i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
