Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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