he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
