If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Boobs are out for the taking
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize