I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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