Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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