I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
