i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
