Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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