i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
