marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
