I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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