Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
