Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Randomize