Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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