Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
