i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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