did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I cut my penus on the lid.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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