I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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