I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
