Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
