I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
