i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
