I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
