i think my tv is drunk
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
