had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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