i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize