...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
