his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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