he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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