maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
