you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
