I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I wish life had little blips of pornography
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
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