Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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