I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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