On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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