Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
