someone threw a dead crab at me
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
