She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
