Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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