Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
