I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Randomize
