it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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