Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
