Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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